This is the first installment of our new podcast, “LOST: There’s No Time to Explain”. The show will be weekly and will revolve around four average LOST fans discussing each episode. We aren’t affiliated with the show in any way, although I’d love to be affiliated with Evangeline Lilly. We are privy to no information about the plot in episodes to come. We are just regular viewers, like you, who are hooked on the show and really think long and hard about the story. Basically, we’re nerds. But we’re cool nerds… well, I am.
Matt Cockburn is joined by Matt Cockburn Show co-hosts Peter and Mark, as well as, Mark’s fiance, the sweet and ever-constant constant, Heather. I don’t know what that means.
We will also be the first 3-D video podcast as the season progresses. So, look out for that!
If you are a LOST fan, or know one, you need to listen to our show. It’s that simple.
Please comment below and tell us if you agree with our theories, or have some of your own.
“Once You Started Wearing Those Shoes”
Happy Valentine’s Day! Yeah, this show is coming out a tad early for V-day, but scheduling conflicts made it so that I had to get it posted early. Now, most Valentine’s Day specials you hear on the radio or see on TV celebrate love. Blech! Make me barf. This Valentine’s Day special, however, celebrates the end o, not only a romantic relationship, but, also, a great friendship and bond. It’s the anti-Valentine’s Day Valentine’s Day Special and it should serve as a warning to good men out there who think they can save a soiled dove or a damsel in distress. The short answer is: you can’t. Freud can’t. Move on at the first red flag. Trust your gut and, most of all, don’t forget to take your Cod Liver Oil.
Man, this was a tough show to do for me. The guys had a ball. But I had to bear my soul and share with you, the Cockburnians, the story of the painful conclusions of the best and worst relationship of my life. I’ve listened to the first part of the show more times than I can count. I’ve edited things I had no right to say and second guessed the stuff I do have the right to say. But I’m a man who believes in individual rights and this individual wants to share his story as a public service for men who actually know how to treat a woman, but never are appreciated for it. Some times, guys, YOU are NOT the problem. In fact, I would say, that most times you are not the problem.
Ya see, some people–and this goes for men and women, but I’m speaking to the guys here– do not know how to be treated well. They truly don’t. They can recognize your goodness, but have such a lack of faith in their ability to accept it, that they reject it. If you’re lucky, you’re rejected because said lover is afraid that she will ruin you and your goodness. That’s actually a big thing to do. But painful nonetheless. And, sometimes, total bullshit, but an easy way for them to not hurt your feelings so badly so while they go out and get plowed each weekend by a different guy each time.
In this episode, I share the story of how my year-and-a-half-long relationship with Emily has ended. Her fault, but my pulling of the plug. Pete, Mark, Schaffner, John and Paul act as psychologists and fail miserably. BUT, they do rise to the occasion of having the back of their fearless leader and hero, Matt Cockburn. Actually, they make pretty good psychologists too.
DISCLAIMER: This show was recorded on Saturday, January 16, 2010. My frame of mind was that of a hurt and angry man who called his lady friend, the day before recording, to completely sever ties only to have her hang up in his ear as if she couldn’t be bothered. So, perhaps I wasn’t what some might call “nice” in my telling of the story of Cockburn and Emily. I was surprised to hear from her three days later in which we had a good talk about things. Out of consideration for her privacy, I offered to let her listen to the show and that I would edit any of her business that I shouldn’t have aired. She only wanted one thing snipped from the show on the condition that she could come on and defend herself to me. I agreed. So, after me and the boys discuss it, Emily, Mark and I had a go at it. In all honesty, I couldn’t listen to what we recorded with Mark and Emily. But my gut feeling was to never let it see the light of day. Mark concurred citing that it a) wasn’t entertaining, b) was despressing to listen to the pain in our voices and c) that she didn’t help her cause too much. In fact, she helped mine and made herself look worse. My goal here is to not ruin Emily or bring any shame or embarrassment to her. I am simply telling my side of the story, or, at least, what I perceived the story to be at the time of the recording. Emily is a good person and a good mother. She just has some issues to deal with right now that are bigger than her and is not having an easy time managing things. Who among you has not buckled under pressure? I thought so. Truthfully, Emily honored me with letting her share the better part of her life for over a year and for that I am grateful. Even though I won’t air her recorded version of things, she has an open invitation to post it below, or email it to me at mattcockburnshow@gmail.com, then I will post it here.
[In light of recent events, the crossed-out part of this disclaimer, and the audio one at the beginning of the show, are retracted. I am toying with posting her entire recorded “defense” of herself given that she insisted I let her do it and it was my decision, out of courtesy, to not post it. I’m on the fence…]
Now, don’t go thinking this show is depressing at all. In fact, it’s probably the funniest, most compelling and dramatic one yet. The funny is throughout, even during the break-up talk. The dramatic is the blood-bath game of Jeopardy we played. No Top 5 this month.
Don’t forget to leave a comment below and make sure you never forget that it’s always OK to send pictures of your naked girlfriend, with “I [heart] Cockburn!” written somewhere on their person, to mattcockburnshow@gmail.com . Thanks for the ones that you’ve sent so far!
This was made by a listener. Thanks, Lindsay!
Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!
Some people have emailed me saying they are trying to post comments but are told that spam was detected when they click “Submit”. This apparently doesn’t happen to everyone as some comments got through. I’m going to try to figure out what the problem is, but in the meantime, you can send your comment in an email to MattCockburnShow@gmail.com and I will include it in the main body of the post you are commenting on.
Here’s the promo for the upcoming episode, which is yet to be named. In this episode I tell the guys how I severed ties with Emily for once and for all. It’s a long, convoluted story that you’d have to hear to believe. Mark, Pete and myself square off in a gripping game of Jeopardy! We’re three fart smellers…. er, smart fellers…. so who wins?
The full show should be posted within the next few days, so keep your eyes peeled. An easy way to know exactly when a new show is posted is to become a fan of our facebook page here
Also, listen to this
We recorded the fourth episode of season 3 last night. It’s a goodie. It’s the first one where I really open up about a confusing, sickening and somewhat painful episode of my life. That and I kick Pete’s and Mark’s asses in Jeopardy!
Here’s something that we rarely release to the public. When we take a commercial break, we continue recording, mainly for posterity. But once in a while I will slip stuff into the final edit of a show if it’s good. Frankly, some of the break banter is better than the content of the show some times. At the end of this show, we were just wrapping things up and about to disconnect with Mark and Pete in New Jersey via Skype and we kept recording. The conversation starts with Mark and Pete being homoerotic in Mark’s home theater from where they record and quickly moves on to the topic of having sex in your home theater. Then Schaffner gets up to leave to watch the Ravens game before we finish, and I rip on him. After disconnecting with Mark and Pete, I ask Paul and John if I may have, perhaps, divulged too much information about my experience with Emily. Paul thinks I probably did, but shouldn’t care because I was the one screwed over.
For the record, I don’t feel screwed over. I KNOW I was, but why lament the loss of a person who had no respect for you? As my Mother once said, “Cockburn, never cry over someone who won’t cry over you.” She’s right.
COMMENTS FROM EMAIL:
devil22030 says:
“Amen, brotha! Women have an uncanny knack for “Deciding” they no longer feel what they feel, or what they told us they felt. Not to put them down, or to put down your friend here (I don’t know her), but just based on what you said in this clip, she doesn’t give a shit if you’re in her life or not. Sucks, but it’s life.”
KimERN says:
“Matty! OMG! Any girl that can’t recognize how great a guy you are doesn’t deserve a minute of your time, let alone your love. I’ve known you most of my life and have still never met a more genuine, sweeter guy. Who ever you end up with will be lucky as hell!! Keep your chin up and call me. Let’s catch up!”
We’re recording the next show tomorrow. Our special guest will be Jersey-based singer/songwriter, Dave Arnold.
In addition to that, Schaffner will finally be back with another game of Jeopardy!
But this will be a very special Matt Cockburn Show as I will tell the whole story of how my relationship with Emily had to come to a total end yesterday. Ladies, if you feel like you’re crazy and out of control of your feelings and actions and men if you are involved with, or are thinking about getting involved with a nutcase, you won’t want to miss this one. Learn from Uncle Cockburn’s mistakes. You have to hear this story to believe it!
This episode will not wait until February 1 like most of the shows. I will get it edited and up ASAP as a public service to daters and lovers. Together, we can get the divorce rate down! And I hope to make my pain, your laughter!
Ok, our first Christmas special was called a Very Bluegrass Christmas, so that means this episode is the first Very Cockburn Christmas. But who’s counting. Better yet, who’s listening? Hahahahahaahahahahaa!
But seriously, folks. This special is special indeed. Not special like President Obama’s self-admitted Special Olympics-like bowling skills. No, more like the special that warms the cockles and puts a smile on one’s face. First, we have this historic duet between Matt Cockburn and Peter C Bonfanti on the old David Bowie/Bing Crosby classic rendition of the “Little Drummer Boy*”. Sarah Beth and Sarah King from Indian Summer Jars stop by once again and sing John Lennon’s “Happy Christmas (War is Over)” with Matt. And Matt receives a surprise phone call from none other than singing sensation Steph Jones.
Throughout the rest of the show, the gang discusses Pete’s wedding and Matt’s poignant, touching and much listened-to speech/toast. They also discuss what the holidays are like in their homes, the wonder of Hanukkah, and Matt and Pete once again square off in a Christmas trivia game called “Who’s Got the Biggest Ballsack Full of Christmas Trivia?” The winner might surprise you. And much, much more!
* The fact that Matt and Pete sang the Little Drummer Boy this year and Steph Jones did are completely coincidental.
Paul’s wife Judy joins us as we all discuss the Top 5 things that we hate about (aboot for our Canadian friends) the Holiday season. Are ours like yours? You’re gonna have to listen to find out.
Share your top 5, or top 3, or just the one thing you hate about the holidays in the comment section below!
What is greatness? Certainly not the speech I gave at Pete’s wedding. But, like President Clinton once said about his one chance to kill or capture bin Laden, “Hey, I tried.” It was a pleasant November evening at il Tulipano in Cedar Grove, New Jersey, when I gave a speech (supposed to be a toast) that rivals Obama’s apology speeches around the world, Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, Julius Caesar’s historic pro-homosexuality speech imporing Romans to lend him their rears and Kanye West’s interruption at the 2009 VMAs. Well, that was my goal, at least. While I received many compliments from other guests (and Pete has begrudgingly admitted that he has received some for me as well), I still think it fell short of what I could have done. I’m not really a planner. I tried for almost a year to write something, but to no avail. Sure, I started a million toasts. Then I erased them. I had Hitler jokes worked in, fart jokes, jokes that would make Pete look like an ass, jokes that made me look like an ass. I can confidently say that the closest I came to combining any of them is mediocre at best. And that’s what you get to listen to.
One thing I have realized is that in order to fully appreciate it you must have about an hour (at least) of drinking under your belt, you have to be happy for the new couple and also thrilled to discover at the last minute that an international celebrity such as myself is not only present, but giving a speech, and you have to be in the room. With that said, when you listen, just try…
At the end of the speech I added a little song. This song is called “Pretty Maids All In A Row” by the Eagles. It’s a song with some meaning and it goes back to a fake radio show I did in high school called “Matt and Chicken”. On our last episode, marking the close of one chapter of our lives (high school) and the beginning of the next (God knows what), I played this song at the end as we said our good-byes. With my signature timing and uncanny ability to find the right song to capture a feeling, I shut off our mics and faded up the music to the most apropos line of the song “and the storybook comes to a close, gone are the ribbons and bows. things to remember, places to go, pretty maids all in a row.” The first time Pete listened to it was in his car with me. It got to that part and he cried.I had to take the wheel.
We had a great time at the wedding. I’d like to thank Pete for bestowing upon me the honor of best man. I truly wish nothing but the best of everything for Pete and Jill (unheard coming from me) as they are a real couple, which I knew from day uno. Enjoy.
Comment and let me know if you think it sucks or is good.
In this Top 5, we explore our dreams and fantasies and tell you what we want to do before we die. Some are simple, some are smart, anything I say is sexy, and others are funny. You get a special treat too at the beginning of this Top 5. Just before I went to take a leak, I hit record. Unfortunately, John and Paul pointed it out so anything they said was them performing for the recorder. But it’s funny enough anyway that I left it in.
Also, there’s a slight cross-over from episode MC302 as we call Schaffner during the Top 5. Do we get a hold of him? You’ll have to listen to find out!
