The Matt Cockburn Fake Radio Show

Sunday, March 30
30 March 2008, admin @ 7:41 pm

Had a pretty boring day today. I painted a picture I have been commissioned to do. I’ve been agonizing over it because it’s a copy of one I originally did a few months ago. With me, once it’s done, it’s done. There’s no going back to re-do or proof-read. It either is or isn’t.

 Not to sound like an ass, but, in recent years, I have felt that the talents I have been given are a curse more than a blessing. They paralyze me. I mean, if I were making a living at one or all of them, they would be a blessing. But I’m not. Yet. No, instead I listened too much to the elders of my tribe who told me that music, movies and anything else I ever wanted to do were for a “select few” or “the lucky ones” and that I should just go to school, get a job and exist. Well, I tried that. It blows. I suck at it. And, most of all, I don’t get it. It’s a different way of thinking than what I am used to. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against hard work. Though I have been accused of laziness, the reality is that I suffer from choosiness. With my women, with my work, with everything. I think I am afraid of commiting to someone or something only to have the “right one/thing” come along while I am tethered to the other. So, my apparent fear of hard work is not a fear of hard work. It’s a fear of wasted hard work. The few people that have worked with me on things I love– movies, songwriting, etc.– know just how long and hard I will work at something.

Anyway, I got off track there. Where was I? Oh, yes. Painting. I think I’m gonna pack it up for a while. I’ve lost the lust for it. That creative part of my brain has dried up. Oh well. I wasn’t that great anyway… when compared to a person who studied art and was trained. But I was self-taught

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