The Matt Cockburn Show

January 18, 2009- An Era Ends as An Error is About to Begin
18 January 2009, Cockburn @ 9:07 pm

 The End of An Era

Last night we recorded a heart-warming episode of the MCFRS in which John Stamos, a.k.a. Johnny Tremain, a.k.a. Johnny Appleseed, a.k.a. Johnny on the Spot, a.k.a. Johnny Come Lately, a.k.a. Paul Bunyon, alias, Jessica Johnson, announced that she is leaving the show (MC204 ). There wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Mainly because she took off her shoes and the window was closed. but, true to form, Johnny and I argued like a brother and sister who had been married for 50 years till the end with me being right, of course.

But all tension and sarcasm aside, the MCFRS could not have gotten past one episode if it weren’t for Jessica Johnson. You see, I like to talk to people. But to be entertaining for people, I must be able to not only like talking to the other people on the show, but also want to entertain them as well as the audience. Johnny was a great audience to have. And her charm and wit made the give and take between us interesting and fun. But somewhere along the line, Schaffner, Paul and the others were the only ones laughing…. OK, wait, that’s the majority of the players in the show. Try it like this: After a while, Johnny wasn’t laughing anymore. Well, that’s not entirely true. She was laughing less.

Many times she had lodged complaints with me about the “shock-jock” feel or direction of the show. She wasn’t hip to it. I tried to tone it down for her and infuse some intelligence and matters of social gobily-gook to balance it out. But it made me and the guys fall asleep and Johnny could see that changing me was not what she wanted nor what was required. So, she has gracefully bowed-out (and farting while doing so).

This isn’t as bad as it may seem. It coincides with her re-exploring her love of singing and focusing her “creative energies” there. And our show may finally slip into the gear it has been climbing towards. Moving into Jessica’s seat will be MCFRS regular Pete Bonfanti, who is best known as the host of my roast. Pete and I have known each other for around 15 years. Our camaraderie and rapport needs no work and is as natural as a teenager hating his parents.

BUT MATT, I’M REALLY A JOHNSON FAN. WILL I BE TOTALLY TURNED OFF BY A BUNCH OF GUYS FARTING AND BURPING AND TALKING ABOUT BOOBIES AND VA-JAY-JAYS? No, silly. Very little will change. I have learned the value of not being totally, reprehensibly vulgar (though I’m not making any promises at this time) and like feeling confident that any sane, rational, reasonable adult with an ounce of humor in their blood will be able to listen to the show without being totally turned off. With that said, we are now more free to explore the natural progression, or digression, as it were, of a conversation. Our show has been and will remain 99% off-the-cuff. We read no scripts, just bullet points of topics. Therefore, once in a while, someone will, without fail, degrade the conversation. Recall, if you will, when on the 4th of July show, Timmy the Tard delighted us in the studio with a story of a midget stripper at a bachelor party. While it was fun to engage in at the time, playback was not so much fun to listen to.

So as we in America are about to inaugurate “change” (hardee-har-har) we on the MCFRS will actually inaugurate real change, but not really. You probably won’t be able to believe in this change just the same, but it will be something different that won’t harm your wallet or social standing.

With all that rambling done, on behalf of myself and the gang, we bid ou Princess Johnny a fond adieu and wish her the best of luck with her singing career. We can’t wait to play a cut from her first CD on the show.

The Beginning of An Error

Now for the real reason Johnny is leaving the show. I must confess to you all, if you haven’t already figured it out. I cannot, for the life of me, fall in lock-step with “the country” and be excited for our new president. Now, don’t start thinking I supported McCain. I didn’t. And don’t think I am a Bush-phile. I’m not. I don’t hate him like many Americans do, but I’m not a fan. Barry Obama scares me a bit and here’s why:

1) He didn’t tell me anything he would do except villainise those who make 6 figures or more a year (somewhere I once had hopes of being. Not so much anymore if he gets his way).

2)His supporters creep me out. I believe the term is “cult of personality”. I have always been creeped out by anyone or any group of people who so enthusiastically worship a living human being other than myself… even then, it’s weird. I mean, the historical comparisons are so in our face and real that they are mocked and written off as unworthy of comment. But, I encourage the open-minded out there to really research Hitler’s rise to power and Stalin’s rhetoric and tactics.

3) While I think it’s great that we have come so far as to elect a president who is not only half-black, but also laden with Arab names while we are fighting Arabs (no sarcasm intended there), I ask “What now?” So we are color and religion blind and also deaf because we have elected a black president who told us nothing and yet he told us all we need to know in the few details he did give regarding his plans.
4) So far– and this rather delights me– he has renegged on many of his promises. Get rid of the Patriot Act? Oh on second thought, Barry needs all those “illegal” executive powers Bush got congress to give him. Withdraw from Iraq? nah, not just yet. Later. There’re a few more but my fingers are getting tired. Oh and let’s not forget the dramatic change in government by nominating all Clinton people to his cabinet. Some o my friends who voted for hi are already feeling duped. Others won’t ever admit they feel it even when it’s undeniable.

But I digress from my true point. Having said all that, I am excited for the new era that I call an error. Why? I don’t quite know. Partly because I like saying “I told you so” and I have a whole bag of “I told you soes” waiting to be used. But also because, what if…? What if American communism can be a good thing? We’re about to find out. What if Barry says, “yeah, I’m a Marxist through and through, but I just feel bad about bring it about in America. So I won’t after all.” That would be nice. Or what if Congress continues to fuck things up and the Dems lose their huge majority in two years? Then, Barry won’t have such an easy time turning us into the U.S.S.R. And with the economy being what it is, it woudl be political suicide to do that in the next two years. So, I feel relatively safe until at least the mid-terms.

Bottomline is that I am an American. Not a Democrat, not a Republican, not a Libertarian, but an American. And while I do not like the idea of an Obama presidency, ACORN has seen to it that their American people have spoken from beyond the grave and from Walt Disney’s vaults, and elected Barry O. So, he is, as he said, the president of all of us. And long after he has vacated the Oval Office, the office and the Office and my country will remain to lick it wounds and rebuild. And there I will be too.

As they say in China, 我交电话费。

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