The Matt Cockburn Show

April 8, 2009- My Travels on the Hershey Highway
8 April 2009, Cockburn @ 10:37 pm

No, it’s not that Hershey Highway. It’s the highway that lead us to Hershey, Pa, today. The Hershey that the world’s most favorite chocolate is made.

 It started this morning when my bummmin’-around-buddy, Emily, called and asked if I want to go with her and her daughter, who I call “Miss Monet” (pronouncing the “T”) to Hershey. The main reason was because Miss Monet had a doctor’s appointment. But afterwards, as a reward to her, Emily was going to take Miss Monet to Chocolate World, or whatever it’s called. Think Willy Wonka without the orange midgets or death. Oh, but with price-gouged candy and souvenirs at the gift shop. (They just moved their plants to Mexico to save money. So, I guess, that makes the price go up since nothing is made THERE anymore. I could be exaggerating by saying nothing.)

The drive up was rather uneventful. It’s important for the story to say that to get to Hershey from Gettysburg, you must travel north, then east. Remember that.

We went to Hershey Medical Center, which is enormous. After a quick and painless visit to the doc, we were off to Chocolate Land… or whatever it’s called. Upon walking in you are reminded of a movie theater lobby, as the set up is similar. We immediately went to the free Hershey ride. It’s basically a moving floor that takes you through the wonderful world of Hershey.

The first things you see when you go into the tunnel are 3 cow asses. Then, rounding a bend, you see three cows named Olympia, and two other names that escape me at the moment. They are obnoxiously singing a song about how milk and sugar help make chocolate great, or some such jazz.

Then you go through and learn how chocolate is made from the bean fields to the store shelves. Meanwhile, that annoying song the cows are singing is constantly playing in the background. “My God,” I said. “It’s the chocolate ‘It’s A Small World’ and I must get out.” But then I looked at Miss Monet. She loved it and had a big smile on her face. Suddenly, the kid in me woke up and I ooo-ed and ahh-ed along with her. And she had fun. At the end, a goofy cow sticking out of the wall took our picture. We weren’t prepared and only thought of what funny things to do AFTER we got off.

Once off the ride, you follow the corridor to the exit (one hopes) and find a counter with computer screens behind it showing all the pictures that were just taken. There was ours. Emily and her daughter were cute as they cuddled and smiled. I was caught in mid-sneeze. We didn’t buy it as we both weren’t in the mood to spend money… well, that and I forgot my wallet. Otherwise, I would have bought that one.

After leaving the picture desk, we walked a tad down the corridor and there appeared a nice lady handing out free candy. Yum!

The corridor ends in (where else?) the gift shop. There was the “world’s biggest chocolate bar” for sale for only $40. We took a picture of Miss Monet holding it.

 Miss Monet became a tad grumpy and after a quick interrogation, Emily determined that se wanted to go on the free ride again just to get the chocolateat the end. So, back we went. This time, we decided to “pugnip” in our picture. Emily pugnipped too soon and missed the shot that was directed at us. But I was pugnipping, Miss Monet was smiling all sweet and such and Emily was looking at me. I would have bought that one too as it was funny.

 After the free ride, we went on the new Communist-sponsored attraction that lets you become… drum roll…. a factory worker! рабочие объединяются!

That was boring but Miss Monet got her own ID Card and a paper hat. Oh, and Emily, most importantly, used her child’s hard labor as a factory worker to get a box of Hershey’s kisses for $8.95. Hmmm… Her daughter works for free, Hershey’s makes a few bucks, the state gets sales tax, Emily gets chocolate and poor Miss Monet is none-the-wiser that her labor has been exploited. рабочие объединяются!

Anyway, after that, Emily took us into the Hershey’s Thrift Shop where they have discount chocolate and stuff. After filling her basket with 23.7 pounds of goodies, all edible, Emily took Miss Monet to the can. I waited outside the can with the basket o’ goodies. Upon their return, I went to pee. Gone for only 45 second, I come out to find Emily and Miss Monet nowhere in sight. I wasn’t worried. I knew they weren’t abducted. I’d have more pity for anyone who would try to kidnap Emily than I would for a kidnapped Emily. No, instead, I became angry. I waited for them for 2.5 minutes while they peed or did tehir make up or whatever women take so long to do in the can. They couldn’t wait for 45 seconds for me. Women!

Finally, it was time to go. Upon leaving the complex, Emily asked, “Which way do I go?” I told her, take 322 West. She said, “No, we want 322 East. We came from the west.” I couldn’t even speak for a moment. She looked at me. I looked at her and, by the look in her eye, knew this was going to be an argument between someone ignorant of direction and a man who used to be called “The Great Navigator” by his friends when he was younger. Not wanting to make a fool out of a mother in front of her child, I tol Emily to call OnStar.

OnStar told her the same thing I did.

But I don’t need to recall all of this for you. Select recordings of the day are attached to this post.

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