The Matt Cockburn Fake Radio Show

6 April, 2008- The Horror, the Horror!
6 April 2008, admin @ 7:50 pm

… of fast food restaurants.

Now, I’m not gonna single any one comapny out here, but I was just at one of the two McDonald’s here in Gettysburg. As I approached the counter, my conscience was severly tested. You see, a man who weighed, easily, 450lbs. (that’s pounds for our non-American friends) stood waiting for his food. He was with his mother. While I pondered whether or not to get a salad, my heart started aching for this man. Maybe they were just sympathy pains for his poor, over-worked heart, but it nearly killed me.

I estimate his age to be about 23/24, which makes him younger than I by only a few months. But it was the way that his mother looked at him and talked to him. How do I know it was his mother? Because only mothers can look at a blubbery son like that and still think he can do anything in the world. And that’s how she treated him. Then I thought of the pain that seeing him must give her.  I also thought that no female except her, or if he has a female doctor, has ever seen his schwanstuker and how sad that was for him. I don’t think I have ever really been loved by the fairer sex, but at least I caught a glimpse. He ain’t catching glipmses of nothing!

This lead me to think that his mother is probably going to be the only good woman in his life for the rest of his life (unless he finds another heavyweight, or loses weight himself). And if he doesn’t die of a massive heart attack or diabetes first, then when she dies, he will be truly alone, without that guiding force in his life. I wanted to befriend the guy. But then I realized I didn’t catch the latest episode of LOST on ABC.com and wanted to hurry home.

But as he walked away with his tray of, no joke, 2 Big Macs, two medium fries, and two double cheeseburgers (mom had her own tray), my sympathies fled. But when the cashier called for me, I almost couldn’t move because I was paralyzed with something.

Flashing through my head were the times when my mother looked at me or talked to me as only a mother could. When I was down and alone; usually when my friends would not talk to me for whatever stupid reason in grade school. When I hated myself, she didn’t. It was because of this fat tub of lard that I realized what a great and rare mother I have. And, mostly, what a fuck I have been since I was a kid.

So, instead of a burger, I ordered a chicken sandwich. And only one… when it finally arrived.

And that brings me to another point. I’m going to use all CAPS because I really want to stress this. To fast food restaurants: STOP LYING TO US AND YOURSELVES BY USING THE WORDS FAST AND FOOD TOGETHER!

*NOTE: Though my experiences with these places are mainly in this area, I find these problems commonplace no matter where I go. So, I am not singling out the restaurants in Gettysburg alone.

Man alive! Without fail, when I go to one of the McDonald’s or the Wendy’s here in GBURG, I am looking at at least a 15 minute wait WHEN THERE ARE NO TOURISTS IN TOWN! I mean, really, people. First off, let me give you some sympathy points here. First, I know you don’t have the greatest selection of people to employ. That’s a given. And I know your manager/shift managers are the smartest people there and that’s marginally so and they are outnumbered by dullards, pregnant teens, people on work release and crackheads. Are there some good ones? Of course there are. I can name a few. But on the whole, I find the above to be true.

So, what’s the solution? I wish I knew.

6 Commenti a “6 April, 2008- The Horror, the Horror!”

1. JOHNSON — April 7, 2008 @ 8:48 pm
   

   it must have to do with the management–like any office. because the mcdonalds up the street from me in NOVA is REALLY nice. the people who work there that i’ve come into contact with, which are several, are all hispanic and mostly women. they are attractive and neat–in fact, many of them are quite pretty, which i’ve noticed. i think it’s the way they carry themselves–with dignity and grace. i’m always struck by how sweet they are. especially at the drive through. i often go through there in the am to get coffee, because it’s good and much cheaper than starbucks and i don’t have to get out of my car in the rain. they always say “thank you” and “hope to see you again” and “have a nice day, hon.” it always puts a smile on my face. i’ve been to mcd’s in the very wealthy suburbs and the service is not nearly as good. so i think it must be the management, and they must be treated very well. i think whether it’s mcd’s or a corporate office, if you are good to people, they’ll be good to you and to the customers!

2. admin — April 8, 2008 @ 7:56 am
   

   a smart manager hires hot girls who are friendly.

3. JOHNSON — April 8, 2008 @ 7:33 pm
   

   good point, and reassuring! if this radio thing doesn’t work out, i’ll know where to go to apply for job!

4. Sno — April 9, 2008 @ 12:07 pm
   

   I gotta say i always feel so good when i go to McD.The people are so kind and the food is good too.Working in a place similar to FastFood restaurants,i can say that the job is heavy sometimes.All that rushing(the supervisor screaming”FASTER FASTER,THE PEOPLE ARE WAITING”) can be soooo stressful.Also is a team work,if one of the co- workers is slow and not following the tempo you are so f***** up.
   As of a customer i can say that is annoying if i have to wait for my order more than 10 min…but after they apologyze proper i forgive lol
   The solution?Maybe we must be more patient.Dont get mad about so tiny problems

5. admin — April 9, 2008 @ 12:14 pm
   

   well, Sno, if I had an apology for the wait, I would forgive too. Now, granted, we are a tourist town. They have thousands a day some times. I know it’s stressful, and busy, and whatever. I’m just observing how customer service in the U.S.A. is a distant memory. It just doesn’t exist anymore. Regardless of the industry. But thanks for your input. I lovehaving people throw their 2 cents in. Where would we be without you, Sno?!?!?!

6. JOHNSON — April 11, 2008 @ 7:03 pm
   

   I’ve told you all about the fabulous McDs near me. Well, the other morning, I thought I’d try a healthier breakfast, since I just worked out–a rare occurrence. So, I went to a local Bagel chain near my gym. Now, I got a bagel with lox and creme cheese and a medium coffee and it cost me $8. The service was horrible. The staff barely looked and me and barely spoke to me. They acted like they were working in a North Korean “gulag”, not an upscale bagel shop in the wealthy NOVA suburbs. And I didn’t even ask for my fries extra crispy! I kindly–and I mean that, I was nice–told the cashier that I had never been there before and was not having a very good experience and I that I would likely not come back, a statement I somewhat regretted later, cause the bagel was good. But not good enough to warrant that bad service. The cashier could care less. It just goes to show you that it’s all about the management. I’m going to do a little unscientific survey of my local McDs and find out why they’re so great! I’m sure it’s the management and the way they are treated. Maybe I’ll go back to the Bagel shop and do a little digging there too, just to compare. I just wish McDs had bagels with lox!

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