The Matt Cockburn Show

June 13, 2008- “The World on Fire”
13 June 2008, Cockburn @ 9:58 am

In this Mattmas Season (May 16-June 16, annually), we come together to celebrate our savior from bad, talentless entertainment… Me. It’s a season of peace, love and as much scotch as people are willing to buy me… which, surprisingly is enough to give a horse cirrhosis. But it seems this Mattmas Season, the gas prices have not only cause my family back in New Jersey and Virginia to opt out of throwing me a surprise 30th birthday party, but, also, others can’t seem to afford to buy me and their family Mattmas presents. It’s evident in three recent events that occured in the last month. The first is the murder in Carroll Valley as documented in an earlier post. Then came an assault and police manhunt in the same Carroll Valley. Finally, just two days ago, a man stabbed a woman 9 times outside of the local WalMart in Straban Township, right next to Gettysburg. The suspect is rumored to have said, “She’s [the victim] pressuring me to buy our kids Mattmas presents and I don’t have enough money. Damn oil companies.”

Let me just make it clear: the traditions and customs of Mattmas allow you six months from Mattmas Day to get your presents. There is no need to murder, no need to assault and no need to try to murder your baby-mama outside a retail store. Mattmas is about coming together to celebrate the birth of Matt Cockburn as

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