The Matt Cockburn Show

MC304 Happy Friggin Valentine’s Day
24 January 2010, Cockburn @ 11:26 am

“Once You Started Wearing Those Shoes”

Happy Valentine’s Day! Yeah, this show is coming out a tad early for V-day, but scheduling conflicts made it so that I had to get it posted early. Now, most Valentine’s Day specials you hear on the radio or see on TV celebrate love. Blech! Make me barf. This Valentine’s Day special, however, celebrates the end o, not only a romantic relationship, but, also, a great friendship and bond. It’s the anti-Valentine’s Day Valentine’s Day Special and it should serve as a warning to good men out there who think they can save a soiled dove or a damsel in distress. The short answer is: you can’t. Freud can’t. Move on at the first red flag. Trust your gut and, most of all, don’t forget to take your Cod Liver Oil.

Man, this was a tough show to do for me. The guys had a ball. But I had to bear my soul and share with you, the Cockburnians, the story of the painful conclusions of the best and worst relationship of my life. I’ve listened to the first part of the show more times than I can count. I’ve edited things I had no right to say and second guessed the stuff I do have the right to say. But I’m a man who believes in individual rights and this individual wants to share his story as a public service for men who actually know how to treat a woman, but never are appreciated for it. Some times, guys, YOU are NOT the problem. In fact, I would say, that most times you are not the problem.

Ya see, some people–and this goes for men and women, but I’m speaking to the guys here– do not know how to be treated well. They truly don’t. They can recognize your goodness, but have such a lack of faith in their ability to accept it, that they reject it. If you’re lucky, you’re rejected because said lover is afraid that she will ruin you and your goodness. That’s actually a big thing to do. But painful nonetheless. And, sometimes, total bullshit, but an easy way for them to not hurt your feelings so badly so while they go out and get plowed each weekend by a different guy each time.

In this episode, I share the story of how my year-and-a-half-long relationship with Emily has ended. Her fault, but my pulling of the plug. Pete, Mark, Schaffner, John and Paul act as psychologists and fail miserably. BUT, they do rise to the occasion of having the back of their fearless leader and hero, Matt Cockburn. Actually, they make pretty good psychologists too.

DISCLAIMER:  This show was recorded on Saturday, January 16, 2010. My frame of mind was that of a hurt and angry man who called his lady friend, the day before recording,  to completely sever ties only to have her hang up in his ear as if she couldn’t be bothered. So, perhaps I wasn’t what some might call “nice” in my telling of the story of Cockburn and Emily. I was surprised to hear from her three days later in which we had a good talk about things. Out of consideration for her privacy, I offered to let her listen to the show and that I would edit any of her business that I shouldn’t have aired. She only wanted one thing snipped from the show on the condition that she could come on and defend herself to me. I agreed. So, after me and the boys discuss it, Emily, Mark and I had a go at it.  In all honesty, I couldn’t listen to what we recorded with Mark and Emily. But my gut feeling was to never let it see the light of day. Mark concurred citing that it a) wasn’t entertaining, b) was despressing to listen to the pain in our voices and c) that she didn’t help her cause too much. In fact, she helped mine and made herself look worse. My goal here is to not ruin Emily or bring any shame or embarrassment to her. I am simply telling my side of the story, or, at least, what I perceived the story to be at the time of the recording. Emily is a good person and a good mother. She just has some issues to deal with right now that are bigger than her and is not having an easy time managing things. Who among you has not buckled under pressure? I thought so. Truthfully, Emily honored me with letting her share the better part of her life for over a year and for that I am grateful. Even though I won’t air her recorded version of things, she has an open invitation to post it below, or email it to me at mattcockburnshow@gmail.com, then I will post it here.   

[In light of recent events, the crossed-out part of this disclaimer, and the audio one at the beginning of the show, are retracted.  I am toying with posting her entire recorded “defense” of herself given that she insisted I let her do it and it was my decision, out of courtesy, to not post it. I’m on the fence…]

Now, don’t go thinking this show is depressing at all. In fact, it’s probably the funniest, most compelling and dramatic one yet. The funny is throughout, even during the break-up talk. The dramatic is the blood-bath game of Jeopardy we played. No Top 5 this month.

Don’t forget to leave a comment below and make sure you never forget that it’s always OK to send pictures of your naked girlfriend, with “I [heart] Cockburn!” written somewhere on their person, to mattcockburnshow@gmail.com . Thanks for the ones that you’ve sent so far!

This was made by a listener. Thanks, Lindsay!

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

27 Commenti a “MC304 Happy Friggin Valentine’s Day”

1. BoobieLvr — January 24, 2010 @ 3:08 pm
   

   Dude…woah. Sorry to hear you went through that. Glad to see you have a humor about it. Or at least on this show. There are others out there,Matt.

2. StephFrand — January 24, 2010 @ 4:10 pm
   

   OMG, Matt. I’m so sorry. You seem like a fun, smart, kind guy. There are plenty of us out there waiting to snatch a guy like you up. Just focus on you for now and it will happen!

   Let me say also that I laughed my butt off on this one. As sad as it was, you guys still made it funny.

3. TexasSwtNSxy — January 24, 2010 @ 4:16 pm
   

   Hey Matt and the gang! I have been listening to the show for a year or so. This is the first time I commented. I remember when Matt and Johnson were talking about how great Emily was and Matt sounded very happy. It’s always sad to hear things end up this way. But you have to believe its for a reason and better things are coming down the pike. I’m going for my masters in psychology. Matt, be glad you got out when you did. Not to be mean, but it sounds like she has a few problems that neither she nor you can deal with without help.

   Anyway, I love the show. Adding Mark to the mix has really pulled it together!
   Keep up the good work!

   Also, Schaffner, Einstein was NOT an historic LEADER. He was an historic figure.

4. TexasSwtNSxy — January 24, 2010 @ 4:17 pm
   

   p.s. come down to texas if you want a woman who will treat you right!!!!

5. Timbo — January 24, 2010 @ 4:41 pm
   

   I love “words that rhyme with fart” in jepardy (spelling?)

6. KlownKollege — January 24, 2010 @ 5:29 pm
   

   I never though a break up could be so funny. i dated a chick like that. they have an unhealthy way of living life. i would be that the time she spent with you was kind of an experiment or a serious attempt at normalcy. but, man, let me tell you, if normal to her is being mistreated and living life on the edge, be glad it ended when it did.

   i listened to the promo and from the discription i could tell it would be a good show. you guys delivered. best one yet.

7. Down with Dusty's Nipple — January 24, 2010 @ 7:50 pm
   

   Great show, especially from 1:41:38 to 1:42:10.
   I’m just saying.

8. 65Mustang — January 24, 2010 @ 10:32 pm
   

   Matt,
   I’m a psychiatrist from New York. I’ve been listening to your show for a few months. If you are still in contact with this girl’s family, urge them to get her into therapy however they can. If you’re right in what you said on this show, she has serious probelms that run deep and you couldn’t have done anything to help it.

   Hope that makes you feel better about the situation.

   “The Doc”

9. Cockburn — January 25, 2010 @ 9:25 am
   

   Thanks for all the comments, everyone. I wonder what I could have been talking about in that minute, Dusty’s Nipple, that makes it so great.

   Doc, would you email me at mattcockburnshow@gmail.com?

   TexasSwtNSxy: I have long understood that Texas chicks are the hottest in the country. And southern women know how to treat a man, I hear. Plus I have always wanted to see Texas. So, maybe I will take you upon that some day.

   StephFrand: thanks. Good to see you are still on board.

   And BoobieLvr, glad to see you are till around too. If I didn’t find humor in this, I would blow my head off. The damage she did is nasty. But I have to laugh about it so that I don’t end up like her. Crazy!

10. Angeleyes1979 — January 25, 2010 @ 2:13 pm
    

    tsk tsk tsk Emily! Matt, if “the Doc” up above is saying she needs help and he doesn’t even know her, lick the wound and move on. ya know. you can find a girl who will appreciate you for who you are.

    on a lighter note, this was the best show yet! I started listening the last time you had steph jones on and I think i have heard every show sice. (maybe missed one or two). this is my first time commenting because i felt bad for you and i also wanted to tell you and the gang that you made me laugh all the way through!! pete and mark gave you a hard time but you can tell that they have your best interest in mind. it’s nice to have friends like that!

    I think you should start dating and tell us about your dates on future shows! what do you think ?

11. Sno — January 25, 2010 @ 3:48 pm
    

    Oh Matt..im so so sorry it didnt work out with Emily :((
    I wish you luck and be sure the coolest chick is out there waiting for you!!
    Never got a chance to get to know Emily.I cant comment about her.But i sense that she was having fun with you and you were that fresh air she needed in her life.She adored to feel adored..by you.She loved to be your crazy chick you love.She enjoyed your talks,your trips and she lived for the moment…i dont think she was in love as much as you Matt.As a woman i can understand her but because you are my buddy i support you mostly.I loved the woman because you loved her.And she made you love the love songs again :)) i remember when you said this in one of your previous shows and thats where i shared a tear.It was such a sweet moment to hearing you saying this”Love songs makes sense again” :))Sorry but i never believed you and her will continue..i hoped i was wrong tho,seriously.I cant judge her, i cant hate her and cant count her mistakes as a mother.She just wasnt ready to settle down with you because she’d lose the fun and the magic,she was losing it even thinking about the future. I wish her well,only she and God know what happened in her life.
    I support YOU!
    I like this episode.The listeners can recognize themselves in that conversation and can be part of it.Because no matter how different we are and that we are from different continents we all felt love,lost it,then closed the heart,then found someone else to open it to…and so on and so on.I love hearing you ALL talking and making a conversation.By this you invite us to be part of it.
    And i wish you happiness and sexyness FOREVER!!!
    YOUR SNO!!!

12. Cockburn — January 25, 2010 @ 3:57 pm
    

    That’s very nice of you, Sno. I remember saying that about the songs and it was true. They did. Now I can’t listen to anything but Mozart because there are no words, and if there are , they’re in another language and I can’t understand them anyway.
    Matt

    P.S. Yes, you CAN hate her. But you shouldn’t. Now you and I can get married. Get over here to the States!

13. Sno — January 25, 2010 @ 4:13 pm
    

    OH..I FORGOT.
    CRAPPY VDAY!!!LMAO

14. EpicHero — January 26, 2010 @ 9:49 am
    

    Good show guys. never heard it before but will listen in the future.

    Like Sno says, Crappy V-day!

15. TimmyTheTard — January 28, 2010 @ 4:50 pm
    

    hey guys. funniest show yet. matt, your laugh is crazy. WTF?

    dude, no joke, i think this girl you are talking about blew me a few saturday’s ago after i met her at Mamma venturas. i’m not joking is her last name [edited by admin]?

16. Cockburn — January 28, 2010 @ 4:55 pm
    

    Timmy,
    You must be a tard. You’re lucky I get notifications when I have a new comment so I could edit her last name out. Yes, you got the right name. And if it’s the Saturday I’m thinking about, no wonder she withdrew her invitation to me to join her.

    NEXT TIME, you want talk about someone like that, though. DO NOT USE LAST NAMES. No matter how true it may be. Did you notice how I didn’t say her last name at all in the show? Follow my example when posting comments. Thanks for listening!

    Matt

17. TimmyTheTard — January 30, 2010 @ 3:12 pm
    

    sorry, matt. actually, i do know who this is. she didn’t blow me (that night). I was thinking about this and realized that I seen you with her around town a ton of times but i never put two and two together. if i knew it was you, i would have warned you sooner, man. the girls got a checkered past. we literally kicked her out of my friends car when she pissed us off. just pulled over and made her get out and walk. i think we called a [edited by admin] i am sure you will edit that but i had to say it.

18. sniperfire — January 30, 2010 @ 6:16 pm
    

    holy shit. i gave her a ride home one time when she was drunk. i had to pull over so she could puke out the door. she opened iot and started barfing and i held her hair for her. while i’m leaning over her she farted. wanted to hit that that nite. not after she blew a juicy one in my face lmao. matt i don’t kno you bnut you don’t seem to be the kind of guy who would go for a girl like her. stay clear of her type, bro.

19. Cockburn — January 30, 2010 @ 7:07 pm
    

    lol @ Timmy. I WISH I could put the name you called her up here. Especially now. But, I can’t. It’s not a pleasant word though.

    sniperfire, I believe you 100% b/c she told me that story. i think she wanted to “hit that” with you too. ah good times.

20. Kelly102281 — January 31, 2010 @ 11:20 am
    

    Aw, Matt >:( you seem so nice. It really makes me angry that women misuse good guys like you. Your type is so rare! Why do they try to damage you for those of us who appreciate you? Just know that there are many good girls out there too. If I wasn’t engaged, I would so go for you. Any man that can make me laugh is the one for me.

    Kelly
    Brooklyn

21. PWilliams — February 3, 2010 @ 1:16 pm
    

    I notice she hasn’t responded. Guess that means you’re right.
    Paul

22. CupidSucks — February 3, 2010 @ 1:19 pm
    

    ok. first, einstein was not a historic leader. he was a figure

    second, my bf left me becauae he had to “Date other people”. I heard the other day that he had been sleeping with anyone who would let him. the funny thing is, his brother told me he now has herpes. so, joke’s on him.

    this show was good. someone above said adding mark made it better. i agree. when asre you gonna have steph on again?

23. PtroneRodeo — February 4, 2010 @ 11:09 am
    

    HA! Known her a long time. She’s an easy ride if you get a few drinks in her. Village bicycle, bro.

24. EpicHero — February 5, 2010 @ 11:12 pm
    

    matt, I read the discription up above and think that you should post Emily trying to defend herself. you say she only proved you right and made herself look worse. so play it.

25. COCKBURN — February 12, 2010 @ 10:38 pm
    

    Kelly- thanks
    PWilliams- I know I’m right. I’m always right.
    CupidSucks- Agreed on Einstein. Mark thanks you.
    PTroneRodeo- I’ve been hearing that from a lot of people who have known her a long time. Wish one of them had tipped me off sooner!
    EpicHero- I’m toying with it, but I’m not sure what good it will do. She’ll be the author of her own demise. That’s bad enough for her. I don’t need to add to it… yet.

    You guys are all great. Thanks for the comments. I hope you keep listening and commenting!!

    Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you!

26. Johnny — March 6, 2010 @ 6:37 am
    

    Yeah, Einstein would not be considered a “leader” in the common-use sense of the word, which is reserved for political leaders. And about that thing about if we care or not and if we do post a comment–well, I don’t. I think the show started out pretty rough on Emily, and the sex jokes (especially about the 6 guys screwing her behind her back) and the racist undertones are, in my opinion, unnecessary and in bad taste. That being said, after you got over that bullshit, I thought the overall show was very good. The story was from the heart, and I’m glad your friends told it to you straight. Matt, there is nothing anyone could have said to you or me to make us do anything different with our respective love interests this last year. We got duped because we were in love. We loved being in love and giving our love to the object’s of our affection. Even when we knew that, despite their wonderful qualities, it wasn’t the right match. Love is a fat, smoking, toothless, spandex-wearing white trash BITCH disguised as Doris Day; we got bitch-slapped!

27. Cockburn — March 6, 2010 @ 9:07 am
    

    But Johnny, this is where you and Schaff and Pete are wrong. When I say “next time, snap me out of it,” it’s because I know myself well enough to know that I can be snapped out of it if it’s done right. And I told Pete to do that because he is the only person I know who can uncloud my head with a few carefully selected words delivered in a very haughty and condescending tone. I may not immediately react. But the seed is planted.

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